ULSCR Summer Canal Tour Report PART B (PART A)

* View photos from this event here!

Disclaimer: Some names, locations and identities have been changed to protect the innocent. No plants were harmed during the making of this report. Where the logbook provided an incomplete record the editor's memory and imagination was used.

Day 1 (Saturday) Great Haywood to Barlston

After a long hot summer members inboxes were filled with pre-tour emails, itineraries had been ignored and a t-test showed the organisers had significantly less hair, but that wasn't enough to stop the UL leaving London to ring someone else's bells and tear up a different corner of this land. Via planes, trains and automobiles everyone descended on the Clifford Arms pub in Great Haywood. Here there was real amazement that a pint could be bought for less than £3! An advance party hot footed it to the marina and were shown their boats, Tapdance (12 berth) and Sandringham (10 berth). Both sizeable craft at just under 70ft in length they would require 'careful' handling. On board Tapdance were Hugh, Ana, Clara, Lian, Jacqui, Jess, Hartley and Guy with Jones joining the following evening. This was to be the boat of youth & students. This was in contrast to the Sandringham's roll call which ran like a UL hall of fame: Trimm, Bailey, Jackson, Dyer, Kippin, Bricheno, Matheson, Dicks and Dyer. But the question on everyone's lips was could a boat filled with such ringing talent turn their hands to tiller handling and lock striking?

On each boat two leaders had been assigned to oversee supplies and rotas. Tapdance had Admiral Von Wantoch and Captain Westlake. They ran a tight ship but the crew were always grateful for their hard work in keeping the team together, especially during battle. After boarding supplies were loaded, the three polypins of beer from Q's local microbrewery were hauled aboard and the marina staff gave a worryingly short briefing. Able Seaman Gee took the helm of the Tapdance and after a graceful three point turn she began the first leg of her journey northwards on the Trent & Mersey Canal. The Tap Dance gracefully rose up through the first lock as the crew slipped off shoes and relaxed on deck with the first pint, surrounded by postcard scenery bathed in sunshine. As the afternoon progressed the tiller was swapped between hands to give everyone a go and it was with Lian at the helm that the Sandringham made their first failure of an attack. Lian held position brilliantly deflecting them into another boat and forcing them into a rapid retreat. As the sun set we moored up by Burston Bridge (No. 86) and fuelled our stomachs.

Day 2 (Sunday) Burston Bridge to Stoke

Sunday dawned with the boats shrouded in mist and the only sounds coming from a large gaggle of Branta canadensis. On Sandringham Quentin was seen sticking his hand around the prop shaft with more joy than a young boy on Christmas morning. While on Tapdance Clara and Gee were on the early shift. The two boats cruised through the misty meadows with Sandringham in front providing the first entertainment of the day. Clara and Gee tried to interpret what Q was thinking as he scratched his head with a bemused look and glanced behind. The answer soon appeared - a lock! What would Quentin do being the only crew member conscious. Soon Trimm was roused and appeared on deck without shoes or glasses and the two of them handled the lock while the rest of Sandringham's crew recovered from the previous nights gin fuelled orgy.

The Tapdance's crew awoke to porridge and bacon sarnies for breakfast. A fine days cruising ensued with a stop at midday to visit the Wedgewood visitor centre and Pottery. Lucy, Alex and James arrived from Oxford and both craft set sail for Stoke. After ringing at St Peter ad Vincula, a smooth ring of 10, the nighttime delights of central Stoke were sampled. A few pints from the Titanic brewery were sunk in The White Star then dinner was had in Frankie and Benny's.

Day 3 (Monday) Stoke to Hassall Green

Log book entries for day 3 are sparse, highlights include the following:

When asked by a member of staff in the Wedgewood pottery museum what the public audience would like to make, a lady in front of the UL group said she would like to have a go at making a giraffe. The staff member replied 'It has to be round'. The lady then asked 'How about a hedgehog?' Comment below this entry reads 'I think it was funnier at the time'.

During passage through the Harecastle tunnel there was handbell quarter peal attempt on board Sandringham. Sadly it didn't come round, possibly reasons for this include excessive diesel fumes.

Après lunch activities included handbell and Anklung focus. One member was overheard saying he found anklungs more addictive than crack.

The (in)ability to cook spaghetti on board Sandringham was of great amusement to the crew of Tapdance (see tour report part A for details).

The day ended with an evening of much merriment, first at the Romping Donkey Pub and then in the rather crowded saloon of Sandringham. Much gin was consumed amidst a roar of filthy innuendos and outrageous quotations, some corruptions of which can be found in Part A).

Day 4 (Tuesday) Hassal Green to Barbridge

Tuesday saw an early start with many locks, after which the following log book passage occurred:

After an après 10 lock snooze and upon arriving in a lock containing a large and very dead fish, able seaman Gee appeared from the cabin in a geology t-shirt and a pair of colourful boxers. He proceeded to the side of the lock where he photographed the aforementioned dead fish before climbing back over the lock gate and flashing 3 other members of the crew while re-boarding.

Other highlights of day 4 were seeing a nuclear waste train on the Crewe-somewhere railway line, a few pints of the onboard ale and the ringing of handbells by Jones, Jacqui and Gee. They rang 2 bob courses of plain bob with a single halfway and end, successfully making the bobs while Hartley failed to dodge the bridges and banks. The day ended with both boats however rounding the Shropshire Union junction without touching the banks, however the slight tap of a moored boat by the Sandringham led to fierce words and the supposed calling of the most likely fictitious canal police. The crew of Tapdance ate a delicious meal of bangers and mash with Hugh's speciality ale gravy followed by a few jars before bed in the Old Barbridge Inn.

Some quotes from Day 4:

Jess: "Well I don't think I'd want to go and have sex on a giants penis!"
Nick H: "Jones you're a pervert, another word for scanty?" (while trying to complete a crossword)

Day 5 (Wednesday) Barbridge Junction to Market Drayton

The Tapdance slipped her moorings at 07:00 with Admiral Von Wantoch on the bridge and Able Seaman Gee at the helm. Smooth cruising with strong coffee and porridge meant a fast cruise to Nantwich. A kingfisher, chaffinches, wood pigeons, a dead squirrel and moorhens were spotted. Jones took the helm for a very tricky but smooth manoeuvre into the boatyard to pump out a rather full waste tank. Some crew members went to ring at St Mary, Nantwich while Jones, Clara and Gee reversed the boat expertly out of the long and narrow marina. After this unscheduled stop a Morrison's order was phoned through while the water tanks were filled. Once underway Jess and Ana cooked an excellent Spagbol lunch for everyone.

After lunch Gee took the helm with the hope of shortening the distance between the boats and making up some lost time. However he failed to realise that the substantial bow wave was causing water to enter where it shouldn't. This mistake was only realised when Clara asked whether there should be water on the saloon floor, when the engine hatch was lifted some expletives may have been said after seeing dangerously high levels of bilge water. This was resolved by switching on the bilge pump and some hand bailing by Gee using a pint glass.

After the afternoons drama we arrived in Market Drayton at 6.30 to join the local band for their practice night. After which there was wastage, balderdash, a curry and scruples but not necessarily in that order.

Day 6 (Thursday) Market Drayton to Breewood

The sixth day began early for Hugh and Clara who were on the early shift. The peace was destroyed for the rest of the crew by the low rumble of the diesel engine and Clara's attempt to wake the crew by bumping the boat off numerous solid objects. Once all awake the crew enjoyed bacon sarnies for breakfast accompanied by much pyjama focus.

Mid morning Hartley, Gee and Jones began to ring handbells in the fore cabin with much success until Clara began moisturising her legs in the next cabin in Jones' line of sight. The ringing struggled along until Hartley suggested that he and the secretary take a joint shower to conserve the low water supplies. Jess was not keen on this group activity and Lian came to ring so that only one of the MasSec pair could shower at a time.

At 13:30 the Tapdance moored near Gnossal and met Sandringham's crew to ring at Gnossal where methods ranged from Plain hunt to Surprise. Gee rang the tenor, Jacqui called call changes and Roger went home. The sun filled afternoon drifted by with relaxing cruising until we moored up before a lock to wait while the it was prepared for entry. Just as the lock gates were opening the other boat committed the un-gentlemanly and heinous crime of racing past and into the empty lock. A brief spat ensued in the lock as the crew of Tapdance took revenge by removing the Sandringham's parrot mascot. For a moment it looked as if Able Seaman Gee would be taken hostage by Terrorist Trimm's rope bondage manoeuvre but luckily all the crew escaped unharmed. This was not the end as further downstream Tapdance caught up with Sandringham. The sky turned grey as a barrage of water balloons rained down on the crew of Sandringham and honour was restored!

Day 7 (Friday) Breewood to Stafford

The log for day 7 begins with a few sparse entries:

The MasSec pair enjoy a few Moscow mules at 9am. Trimm rugby tackled Gee at the first lock. Crew members exclaimed that the first lock should 'get out' at being 2 inches deep. Jenga focus - LB was heard saying "Mmm I'm going to suck your bricks off... mmm woody" after a Jenga and gin incident. While watching bins being emptied during a brief pause on the lock side Jones was heard to remark "It would be quite a nice job if everything was a bit cleaner".

The Tapdance motored along and caught up with Sandringham in Penkbridge, where Lucy was swapped for gin, before cruising on through the lovely hot sunny afternoon hours. However once again the tranquillity was broken by the Sandringham when they attacked with filthy dirty water bombs. This time the crew of Tapdance needed a stealth attack as the Sandringham rabble were on the lookout. The Tapdance's kitchen was turned into a bomb factory, producing bucket after bucket of water bomb ammunition. After the crew were briefed and war paint was applied the troops were dispatched. A decoy was put in place at the next lock by the Tapdance's crew engaging the enemy in polite conversation, while the attack force took up positions around the bridge just beyond the lock. As the Sandringham cruised out of the lock and under the bridge the trap was sprung and they came under fire from all sides. Most of the crew got quite wet but James went one step further. As he leapt along the side of the boat to escape the water balloons he lost his footing, slipping into the murky canal waters. Luckily the water only came up to his chest and he was dragged back aboard.

As dusk fell both boats entered the outskirts of Stafford where they moored and the crews headed to the nearby watering hole. As Hartley walked up to the road above canal he remarked upon the view, saying "It's quite nice, for the Midlands". After the last supper the UL Summer Tour Awards were given out for all manner of hi-jinks and tom-foolery.

Day 8 (Saturday) Stafford to Great Hayood

The final day dawned with a beautiful sunrise as golden shafts pierced the morning mist over the fields. The boats were cleaned and cruised back to Great Haywood where they were returned to the hire company with considerably less paint then a week ago. Final goodbyes were said before members departed for southern lands to prepare for the coming term at Hart St.

It only leaves me to thank Quentin and Clare for all their hard work in organising a brilliant Summer Tour.

by Guy Atchison